The Very Secret Diary of Wanderer
by Foxy Chicken
Summary: Wanderer's very secret diary of the events that happened to him during Shadow of the Colossus. It is some very needed humor in a very tragic story. Warning Contains spoilers.
1. Day One to Day Twenty

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The following is my take on what the main character of Shadow of the Colossus thought about while he was killing his "foes". I do not own any of the characters, or anything like that, but if I did that would be freaking cool. Also, the following contains spoilers to the games, and some hints to defeat some of the different colossi, but not really. I didn't make this as a strategy guide, so little to no detail went into the monster battles. Of course if you are reading this then you have played the game, and there really would be no reason for me to waist my breath... of course I'm not talking so... ANYWAY, enjoy.

Day One

Argo and I picked up the dead girl and headed out.

Traveling through forests on hours is a pain in the ass seeing as Argo doesn't like to be run into trees. He makes it seem like it's my fault he can't think for himself, and that the trees grow so close together.

Camped by a river. Ate a lizard. Not very happy.

Day Three

Made it to the big temple, castle, thing. Had to cross the narrow bridge with no railing. Make me wonder how much traffic this place has gotten seeing as passing during high traffic would be quite dangerous.

Got inside. It is dark and smells like old people. Big twisting ramp really tall and thin. Good thing I am not afraid of heights.

Big monster statues at the bottom. Talking light told me that I needed to break them to bring my dead chick back. I told it that she hadn't gone anywhere seeing as she was dead. He told me back to life, and I wondered why he didn't say that in the beginning.

Decided to wait it out and see if praying would bring my chick back because monsters look scary.

Day Six

Praying gets you nowhere. Prayed for three days and got zero results, so decided to go after first monster. Also the voice in the light was getting really annoying. Always nagging me. You would think that we were married. Good thing marrying disembodied light voices is against the law.

Day Seven

Found the first monster, finally. Should have know better than to listen to that voice. Light from sword is much more reliable, and doesn't talk.

Had to leave Argo behind, very sad. Climbed up some dry grass and got a splinter. Even more sad. Got to the top and… What the FUCK! Light voice wants me to kill that?! You have got to be shitting me! It is huge! Colossus even.

Day Nine

Battle ended… Well I guess. Don't remember much after I killed him. I know he fell down, black covered him, and worms started to come out. Thought that was kind of creepy so I ran away. I think they got me though. That is the part I don't remember. But I woke up in the castle/temple/thing so it must be all good.

Voice boy told me about my next monster. Didn't really pay much attention seeing as he told me lies last time. Besides I have my pretty light sword to tell me where to go.

Day Eleven

Woke up in the castle/temple/thing again with a major head ache. Must be from last monster battle. Of course this guy was a pussy. He wouldn't even try to stomp on me. Shooting him on the bottom of the foot was a pain in the ass though. Then stabbing him in the ass… I would rather not relive that one.

Anyway, he is dead and just like last time black worms attacked me, and I woke up on the ground. Had some dust in my hair and realized that while I was taking my two day long power nap the statue of my last brute was exploding.

Voice is telling me of my next foe. I think I will take a day off. He isn't the boss of me. I can do what I want.

Day Fourteen

This whole waking up back in the castle/temple/thing without knowing how I got here, and without my horse is really starting to annoy me.

Anyway, last battle was a bitch. The dude had a sword! A five story sword that he swung at me! And hit me with… not actually sure how I survived that. I mean I am only human. Oh well, I'm alive, he is dead, who cares.

Of course running up his sword was pretty fun, and there is no better feeling than blood on your face in the morning (got an early start that day. Might have wanted to wait until afternoon because the water was freaking cold). Could have done without the ghost worms, but whatever. I was able to outrun them for a while, and I have now learned that water slows them down, but there is no way I can fully outrun them. Damn things. Oh well, another one is dead, and I am that much closer to getting my chick back.

Day Sixteen

Once again I have awoken in the temple/castle/thing. Big surprise there. No horse, one less statue, and man do I need a shower. It has been… sixteen days since my last one, and I smell pretty fresh. Oh, and like monster blood. Lots and lots of monster blood.

Last battle was against a giant horse. Lucky for me he couldn't run as fast as your run of the mill horse, and horses don't carry swords, so it wasn't to bad. Did have to climb up his ass thought. What is it with these colossi and their asses? If I have to deal with one more monster ass I'm going to get pretty angry.

Day Eighteen

Flying colossi suck. Suck, suck, suck, suck, suck, SUCK! You have to shoot them while they are flying to provoke them into attacking you so you can jump on them, and then you have to make sure you don't fall to your doom. And let me tell you something! Falling to your doom isn't fun, and I will tell you why a) the fall back to earth just sucks, b) because you have to then get back on, and c) it takes all that much longer.

The voice in the light is telling me about my next foe. Something about this… Oh never mind. I don't really pay attention. Besides my sword never lies to me.

Day Twenty

Glad I don't have the ability to grow a beard because I wouldn't want little blood covered me climbing on it to stab me in my glowing tattoos. Oh yeah, killed the last colossus by climbing up his beard. I'm glad these colossi have no sense of personal hygiene, or fashion sense. If they did it would make my job all that much harder. It is bad enough that I have to spend all of my time trying to kill things 100x's my size, but if there was no way to climb and kill them… That would suck.

When I woke up back in the temple/castle/thing I went to take a look at my next "foe". It's a fucking snake. I hate snakes.


	2. Day Twenty One to Day Forty Nine

Day Twenty-one

Haven't heard from the light voice yet. Maybe he gave up on me.

Day Twenty-two

I'm getting really bored for waiting for the voice to come back.

Took a bath in the fountain at the bottom of the twisty stairs. Made the water all nasty with all the monster blood. Have started to notice my hair is getting kind of purple. Tried to clean it to get it back to its red-brown beauty, but it didn't work. Very sad.

Agro left today. Decided to let him go. Stupid horse will come back to me soon enough.

Day Twenty-five

Light voice came back the day after my bath, and make a really lame fart joke, "ripple of thunder". Then he told me that I needed to find an underground lake. So I grabbed my trusty sword and headed out on foot. Stupid Agro didn't come back. Running cross country sucks.

Day Twenty-six

Camping outside this "underground lake". This is the most un-underground lake I have ever seen. I'm pretty sure this lake is above ground.

Cooked a lizard and I ate it. Why aren't there bigger animals around here? I could go for some squirrel or a rabbit. Any warm blooded animal would be nice. I mean I am sick and tried of lizard!

Day Twenty-eight

Once again I've woken up in the temple/castle/thing after being attacked by ghost snakes.

The last colossus was a fucking bitch! It is in the water and it is ELECTRIC! That is NOT a good mix. I mean, it isn't like water conducts electricity or anything like that.

Doesn't really matter because I killed the son of a bitch. Yes, I got shocked more times that I can count, and yes, I was shocked so much I don't remember how to count, but that isn't the point. The point is I killed it. He's… or she's dead. Took a while, and I almost drowned, but life goes on.

Agro came back. Took that damn horse long enough.

I also decided to take a vacation from all this killing. Agro and I will go see the sights. Possible go down to the beach where I killed colossus number two. You know the one, the one that looked like an overgrown sheep. Doesn't matter. I need time off, and the bath. You have no idea how hard it is to get colossus blood out of your clothes.

Day Twenty-nine

My day at the beach has sucked. It's cold, windy, and the surf is so strong that I couldn't go swimming. Because of this I spend most of my day hanging out with the body of colossus number two. I talked to it, told it about how much I hated it, and then we laughed about the good and the bad times… I really need to bring my girlfriend back to life.

Day Thirty

Started towards colossus number eight today. The countryside is very pretty, and when my girlfriend wakes up I will bring her here for a picnic or something. I bet it is just lovely in the fall when the leaves change… I will stop now.

Later

Going to camp by the lake tonight, might even get that swim I was denied at the beach. Colossus blood stains might be past the point of cleaning out though.

Day Thirty-one

No fucking way! There is no fucking way I am going to fight that thing! It shot fucking magma and mustard gas at me! I could really die this time!

Oh, I am currently hiding on the top level of the "pail" where this son of a bitch lives. Not that this will really help me seeing as the bastard can climb up the fucking walls!

I could turn around still, go home, and forget that I was ever here. But I love my girlfriend, but I also love my life. NO! I'm almost half done, I can do this!

Day Thirty-two

Woke up early from this one. Mainly because my nightmares about colossus number eight. God that guy was a dick. I don't think I have ever pissed myself as much as when that fucker shot magma and mustard gas at me.

At this point I'm not really sure I can take much more of this. I mean I have killed eight of these things and light voice man has never once said thank you. I just wake up, and he gives me my next assignment. It's a good thing I really like my girlfriend.

Oh well, colossus nine awaits.

Day Thirty-three

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! A) This dude took all day to find, B) He is a huge turtle and, C) He shoots fucking lasers! Not only does he shoot lasers, but he isn't afraid to hit me while I'm on Agro. PETA would have a heyday if they existed on this plane, or if they were around at this time.

Oh, currently hiding behind a rock a mile away. Want to be safe. You never know how far the dick will chase me.

FUCK! He's coming! I guess I will have the face the music and go fight him. When I kill all these guys, and my girlfriend wakes up she is going to owe me big time.

Day Thirty-five

Back in the temple/castle/thing and still no thank you from the disembodied voice. Stupid bastard. I mean I am slightly over halfway done, about to risk my life yet again, and the dude can't mutter two words! Not even a "thanks"! If I didn't like my girlfriend so much I wouldn't even try. That girl is lucky.

Sword told me where to go, so I'm off.

Day Thirty-seven

The last colossus was a fucking dick! I almost died like eight times!

Ok, here is how it went, I, like the good little wanderer I am, headed into the cave that the sword told me to go into. There I met a freaking sand snake! First a water snake, and now a sand snake, I fucking hate snakes. Anyway, Agro and I ride around trying to shoot the bastard in the eye, which is hard, while trying not to get smashed when he/she/it dives out of the sand to try and eat me!

Anyway, once I would shot him in the eye I would get a chance, a tiny chance, to stab him in his glowing tattoos.

Doesn't matter, it's over. I have ten down and only six to go.

Day Thirty-nine

What a let down. I mean… Gosh!

Here's the thing, I ride out of my way across the desert on a horse with a name, to fight a "colossus" that was slightly bigger than agro. And it was a pig! A pig that was afraid of the flames it was supposed to keep burning (learned that from our Mr. Disembodied voice)! It was so… anticlimactic I could hardly stand it.

I think I will wait until tomorrow before I go out. Possibly even the next day. For Christ's sake I have been going at this for almost forty days! I can use all the rest I can get. Besides, those black worms are really starting to bother me. They could give me cancer or something like that.

Day Forty

Spent most of the day with my dead girlfriend. She looks so peaceful just sleeping here… Ok, lying there dead. I couldn't help but bitch to her beautiful corpse about all the hardships I have gone through just for her. Bitch.

Day Forty-one

Didn't get any rest after killing this last colossus. Stupid Agro stepping on me. God, I feel like shit! No wonder I usually sleep for a day after my battle. Ok, sometimes two days.

Anyway, the last colossus was a real bitch! The dude was A) Huge, like an NFL linebacker huge, and he looked like one too (if the NFL existed, and I knew what linebackers looked like), B) He was in the water, and C) He too shot fucking lasers! FYI, adding lasers makes everything harder.

And as if that wasn't hard enough I had to climb onto his back, to his head, where I then had to drive him by smacking tooth like things, jump off his head, and then taunt him until he showed me his stomach. I then had to make a death defying leap onto his fuzzy chest, and stab him. I then had to wash rinse and repeat.

Now I have to go after number thirteen. Lucky number thirteen. By the look of the statue it is another damn snake. I hate snakes.

Day Forty-five

I was wrong. It wasn't a snake like I originally thought. It was a flying sand tapeworm with dorsal fins, and air bags, and wings! Not sure if I have said this before, but I hate colossi that A) Fly, B) Swim, C) Shoot lasers/magma, or D) Carry big things they can swing at you. Also any blend of more than one of those above sucks all the much more.

Not sure how many people have tried, but jumping onto a flying tapeworm with dorsal fins, airbags, and wings while its moving around, and turning, it no easy feat. Trust me. I tried for the good part of the day. I was about to give up right before I finally succeeded. I have never been happier to see the black ghost worms in my whole quest, or hear the light boys voice either.

I only have three more colossi before my girlfriend comes back to life!

Day Forty-five

What a joke! This last colossus was just like colossus number eleven. Ok, they were not exactly the same because this on was kind of like a dog, where the other was kind of like a pig. That really doesn't matter because they were both the most anti-colossi ever! FYI, jumping on it's back was exceedingly difficult, and I should get an award for just being able to do this. Jumping from pillar to pillar while not getting kicked around like a rag doll while trying to get on the dogs back is… ARG!

Day Forty-seven

Now that is what I am talking about! If you are going to call them colossi then they need to be bigger than cities, and look like they want to kill you. The last guy delivered. He was huge, hairy, blue, and weird, but you have to deal with this king of stuff if you want to bring dead chicks back to life.

Went out and ate a lizard today, and I felt stronger. It was nice.

Fell into a pond, saw myself, and realized my hair was purple. Tried to wash it out, but failed. Also, I look like shit! My clothes are blood stained, dirty, and I smell like… Well no one really needs or wants to know. Oh, but I would kill for one of those stain remover pens.

Guess there is no time like the present to go out and get this over and done with.

Day Forty-eight

I can't go on, I am to depressed. I have lost everything I love! My girlfriend, and now my beautiful horse Agro. Why did you have to sacrifice yourself so I could live? I would gladly have fallen down that cliff with you my dear friend. There was no reason for you to die alone. I think I am going to just sit here and waist away. I will join my girlfriend and Agro. I don't know why I didn't think of this before.

Day Forty-nine

I gave up on giving up. I got hungry, and the only way I can eat is if I kill this last guy, and then go out and get some food with my newly reborn girlfriend. Maybe we will go out for some Chinese or something good like that.

Later

I got up to where the colossus is located, and I shat myself. This thing is fucking scary! It shoots fireballs, is forty stories tall, and it is wearing a dress! Ok, the dress part isn't so bad, but the fireballs part of it is. I can hardly go a step without getting hit by one! How am I telling you this you ask. Well it is very simple really, I am hiding behind a stone wall thing that will protect me from the blasts. Well I need to get this over with. I am sick and tried of hiding. I have done to much of that. I'm going in.


	3. Epilogue

Epilogue

This is cheap. This is cheaper than cheap! That damn fucking voice was using me the whole time! It turns out that killing all the colossi would make it so that my body could be used to house that bastard voice who is the ultimate colossus. Not to mention the fact that some dudes from my village came and crashed the party, and tried to kill me. It was really rather pathetic, and I would not like to recount it here. But I will tell you what happened, I ended up dying in that fountain I used as a bath. "But if you are dead how are you telling us all this?" you ask in your sad and pathetic little voices. Well, it is very simple… Ok, not really, and it has to do with other dimensions and space time continuums, and my diary being sent with me to this other dimension, and thus how I am writing this.

Anyway, my physical body was reincarnated as a boy with horns, and my girlfriend found me, or what could possibly be interpreted as me… I'm not really sure. But that isn't the biggest shocker! Agro isn't dead! I don't know how it happened, but the damn horse somehow managed to survive that ninety story fall into a shallow river, and he only hurt his leg.

The worst part of this whole thing is that A) I'm dead and my girlfriend is alive, and she will never know how much I went through to get her back to life, B) She is now stuck there because those dicks from my village decided to get rid of the bridge as soon as they ran their pansy asses away, and C) I am stuck in the same dimension as that stupid light voice guy, but he won't let me use the megaphone. The bastard.

This is all very depressing, and I only see more pain in the future of my dear physical body reincarnation. The freak has horns, and everyone knows that horns mean curse. If that dude ever makes it back to civilization… Well, we all know what happened to Ico. But that is another very secret diary for another time.

**Well I hope you liked my take on what Wanderer (hey, I like Wanderer better than just Wander) thought about while killing colossi. If you would like to review please do. I have never done this before, and would like to know how I am doing. Well, thank you for reading, and I hope you enjoyed yourself.**


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